Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I should have known

I spent most of the weekend working on the garden (sorry no pics) including watering it. It was great and the garden looks pretty decent. The tomatoes are getting big and the boys are anxious to taste the first fruits of my labor. The basil is beautiful and I am dreaming of pesto. On Sunday, the heavens opened up and we got drenched with an astounding 3+" of water in just a couple of hours. It figures. I have restarted the tank. I am not enjoying it quite as much this time around, but mostly I think it is just project fatigue coupled with the uncertainty of how I am going to handle some of the shaping. I modified the pattern to better match my gauge and so far it seems okay. I am planning on keeping everything pretty much the same, but because I dropped 12 stitches from both the front and back, the neck line shaping will have to be tweaked in order to work. The shawl is growing, slowly but it is growing. I have come to the conclusion that I actually need to pick it up and work on it for it to grow. Shocking, I know.

This past weekend, I did something that was long overdue. I went shopping for clothes. By myself. At a new mall. I spent a ton of time in one of the anchor stores and actually bought 2 pair of pants. I was thrilled. See, in February, I was a size 12 going on 14. Then I started Weight Watchers. I have since dropped 25 pounds and am a size 4. The best part about the shopping trip is that I found a store that carries pants that fit me. Narrow waist and breeding hips. I bought 2 pairs and returned the first 2. I was soooooo thrilled.

Now, I just need to work on keeping it off. I refuse to go back to being frumpy. On the other hand, I don't want to be the mom who tries too hard. I think I am balancing it, but as the extent of Caleb's fashion sense is that he would prefer to wear sweats 365 days a year, he doesn't really say much. (Yes, he would like to wear them when it is 95 degrees out. Yep, it drives me batty to see him all flushed insisting that he is cold. I want to know who out there thought 3 year olds are easier than 2 year olds. Filthy rotten liar.)

The oddest part about it all is how slowly my self-image changes. No matter how heavy I was, I always pictured myself as a size 8. Now, I look in the mirror and all I see is the cellulite under the clothes. I like eating too much to ever end up with an eating disorder, but I have been thinking a lot about what it means that I still picture myself heavier than I really am. Is this a product of the media and our fascination with girl/women with long lean legs and not a spec of body fat? Or is a normal psychological phenomenon and in a few months my self-image and my actual body will be in closer alignment?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all huge congrats on the weight! It takes tremendous discipline and personal care to loose weight and keep the focus. Hooray!

Sounds like you have the same problem I do - takes you two hours to make a decision about a pair of pants. Shopping for things and accompanying decisions are not one of my strengths.

As far as the self image thing goes, that is what pulls at the emotions the most and what makes me think. The challenge comes from how dynamic self image is. There is history, past experiences, social pressures, dreams, wishes, and physical body changes - all having their say. How in the world do we keep our selves in check and happy with who we are. Reading your posting gives me a sense that you have all that it takes to find your peace. You asked posed the questions, but see the answers.

Social pressure and body images all over the place are a big challenge to deal with and make peace with. It is easy to feel the need to loose more and more, always thinking your not there yet. I know you can see past that pressure and find pride in who you are. There will always be the other shapes and sizes - always. I wouldn't trust media driven by horny males ages 15-30 to define what is ideal. From someone recently departed from that demographic - we don't realy know what we want, don't appreciate what's important, and are still trying to figure our own selves out. If we had heart and common sense we would make these fake "ideals" - all shapes and sizes.

The other challenge as you said, is our own body and mind. Look at what you just accomplished. You lost 25 pounds! With that you have changed habits, lifestyle choices, physical outlook, body cycles, and many aspects of your interraction with others. If you ride this out I think you will come to enjoy a new balance in your life. Your body will adjust itself and it's systems. Your new habits will be formed and strengthened. With the time you will gradually love who you are and the desire to push for more or less will fade.

Hang in there and congratulations. Regardless of your weight, you are today making heathier lifestyle choices than you did in the past. That in itself is a reward worth any weight.

I need to get off this blog - I am writing too much.

Jersey Bound

7/11/2006 11:54:00 PM  
Anonymous marisa said...

Congratulations on the weight loss Kris! I'm sure that your self image will eventually reconcile with how you really look. Just remember that it's more important to be healthy than to be tiny. :-)

7/12/2006 10:17:00 AM  

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